The End In The Beginning

I apologize for the radio silence of late. Life has been a lot, lately, and a new job prevents me from blogging at work on my lunch breaks as I had been doing before. 

There have been a lot of big things going on, and it seems like nothing is ever sure enough to post about, but I think it's finally time. Over the last few months, my marriage has been in trouble. We've fought, my husband has gone off the deep end and tried to prevent me from buying hay to feed my horses after our hay guy decided he just wasn't going to cut our field again despite his promises, and that was added to stress on our finances that already exists. I've considered divorce, and honestly, it's still not off the table. But for right now, we're trying to focus as a team on getting ourselves into a better financial place, which is the first step in the other big, crappy life event coming down the tube.

We're going to be moving away from the farm.

My husband has never been happy here. He doesn't like the commute, he doesn't like the house and he doesn't like all of the work having property has come with. I think we have a lot of things to discuss before we figure out where we go next (and if we're going there together) but either way, I can't stay on the farm by myself, and he doesn't want to stay, so either way, I'm going to have to say goodbye to my beloved farm. 

It's already begun, and every day is like a little bereavement, knowing that all of the work I've done, and all of the stress and happiness and joy and pain I've experienced over  the last year and a half won't be my future. I'm dreading heading back to boarding. 

Sometimes I can see the huge pros; I can have my free time back from chores and projects and endless mowing and weedwhacking. I can have an indoor. I will have a place to get away and make new friends and build a social life that isn't dogs and horses while I wait for my husband to come home from his own social life. I won't be tied down because I have to feed and do stalls.

But there are also huge cons. I heavily manage Arya's ulcery self through forage, and boarding barns at least locally seem to not feed hay like I need. I will have to struggle with keeping weight on them again, if I can't provide my own feed or can't sustain the extra cost when I'm forced to pay for barn grain that I don't want to use. I'm already anxious about introducing Arya to a herd of horses again; after her fights with Ginny, I'm nervous she's going to get hurt. Or hurt someone else's horse. I won't be able to walk out the door to blanket, and I won't be able to sit in the barn every night and listen to the quiet munching of content horses. I won't get to work from home and watch them playing and running out the window. I'll still be tied down, because someone still has to go home to feed and let out the dogs. 

I haven't ridden consistently in far too long, and it breaks my heart. The rides I have squeezed in; sneaking out of the house and doing chores at double time to squeeze in a ride under the lights or hopping on a horse when my husband is doing inside work and can't say I'm neglecting the work I need to do outside to get the property ready for sale next spring and summer; have been generally good. Bailey is out of shape, and I get annoyed with her, and Arya has been good, but she never progresses because I never have time to do more than drill the basics. 

And now it's dark at 5 pm and my heart is heavy. I don't know what the future is going to bring, and I am desperately trying to figure out how to afford two horses not at home again. It's amazing how much it hurts to even think about board prices again, and how much anxiety I have already about Arya, in particular. 

I'm also disgusted with myself because I don't want to ride Bailey. She's not fun when she's out of shape, and has spent the last year and a half out of shape, pretty much, after being fit and in good work the year before. It's like night and day, and it eats me up. I wonder if she's not the horse for me. I wonder if anyone would actually pay money to lease her. I can't fathom selling her, but I also choose to ride Arya over her, and still feel inkling guilt that people think she deserves to be showing and out there being big and fancy and on display. 

I'm extra hopeless about my riding situation because I'll shortly be starting a part time job, because apparently I don't pull enough of the financial weight around my house. And while I am hoping I can still squeeze in rides, they're still going to be inconsistent and it's going to be hard, as of course winter decided to show up after a week of disgustingly wet weather and freeze my paddocks into modern art and flood my arena into a skating rink.

TL;DR: My life is a mess, and I'm sorry. It's not going to stop. It probably won't get better, and I'm also highly likely to spend a good portion of the winter in a deep, deep depression. I feel like I've poured my soul into my farm and I don't know who I am anymore, and now that I'm facing some huge and terrifying changes, I am drowning.