There are days when life beats the hell out of you. I've had a few of those days myself, lately. Life is miserable. Life is hard. Life is... life.
The horses are my greatest escape from this; being their mom and taking care of them is one of the most wonderfully therapeutic things I will probably ever be lucky enough to do. Too many good horses have been put down lately, and I feel the shadow of fear on my heart that my hearthorse might be next. It's an awful thing to think about, the point where you have to decide to let go of an animal. I've had to think about it far too much, and my heart stops at the thought that I'll have to make that decision any time soon.
I had a pleasant enough ride on Tuesday, and I am sure that my pleasant eyed darlings will be waiting for me again tonight, mooching for treats and not knowing why I'm dressing them for warmer weather. Hopefully BB will tolerate another dressage ride; she's getting really good at leg yields and gave me some lovely canter departs on Tuesday, and I'd like to have another day of that. The warmer weather in our near future is giving me hope of schooling and lessons and show season; I want more than anything to be back outside, to be back to hacking out down the road. I'm even ready for cold, muddy rides on sunny but cold spring days. I miss being in college, and having my morning rides to myself. I miss being a stranger to the other boarders, and not having to share "my" arena to do what I want to do.
I find myself overcome with worry a lot, lately, and I'm craving a ride simply to let all that baggage fall away. I worry that I'm going to come to the barn to a trashed medium weight on my red horse, when I already have little holes to patch in it, and a bigger one in her heavy. I worry about injuries, and expenses and that niggling wonder why Foxie doesn't finish her feed completely every night. She looks spectacular, so I'm hoping it's just distraction, or needing her teeth done. I worry that my family drama is going to impact my riding life, my ability to get to shows and do what I want to do. I worry that I don't have the opportunity to photograph things this summer, because I don't own a camera anymore. While I feel I have a right to these things, I don't know if I really do, or if that right will be respected, anyways. I don't know if I know much about the interactions of the world - or what to expect from anyone, anymore.
The only thing that's been consistent is the horses. And that is where I'll flee, when it's all said and done. Today's a day when I need to go hug my horses.
The horses are my greatest escape from this; being their mom and taking care of them is one of the most wonderfully therapeutic things I will probably ever be lucky enough to do. Too many good horses have been put down lately, and I feel the shadow of fear on my heart that my hearthorse might be next. It's an awful thing to think about, the point where you have to decide to let go of an animal. I've had to think about it far too much, and my heart stops at the thought that I'll have to make that decision any time soon.
I had a pleasant enough ride on Tuesday, and I am sure that my pleasant eyed darlings will be waiting for me again tonight, mooching for treats and not knowing why I'm dressing them for warmer weather. Hopefully BB will tolerate another dressage ride; she's getting really good at leg yields and gave me some lovely canter departs on Tuesday, and I'd like to have another day of that. The warmer weather in our near future is giving me hope of schooling and lessons and show season; I want more than anything to be back outside, to be back to hacking out down the road. I'm even ready for cold, muddy rides on sunny but cold spring days. I miss being in college, and having my morning rides to myself. I miss being a stranger to the other boarders, and not having to share "my" arena to do what I want to do.
I find myself overcome with worry a lot, lately, and I'm craving a ride simply to let all that baggage fall away. I worry that I'm going to come to the barn to a trashed medium weight on my red horse, when I already have little holes to patch in it, and a bigger one in her heavy. I worry about injuries, and expenses and that niggling wonder why Foxie doesn't finish her feed completely every night. She looks spectacular, so I'm hoping it's just distraction, or needing her teeth done. I worry that my family drama is going to impact my riding life, my ability to get to shows and do what I want to do. I worry that I don't have the opportunity to photograph things this summer, because I don't own a camera anymore. While I feel I have a right to these things, I don't know if I really do, or if that right will be respected, anyways. I don't know if I know much about the interactions of the world - or what to expect from anyone, anymore.
The only thing that's been consistent is the horses. And that is where I'll flee, when it's all said and done. Today's a day when I need to go hug my horses.
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